Big Girl Blues

28 Mar

“My body is healthy and whole…”

“I love my pregnant body and accept it everyday.  Again, I love my pregnant body and accept it everyday”

-“Joyful Pregnancy Affirmations”, HypnoBabies Homestudy Course

I started this pregnancy obese.  I know that the numbers are only part of the clinical picture, but  I wasn’t healthy no matter how you want to put it.

I weighed around 174 lbs. at my first doctor’s visit all those weeks ago.  I’d been circling that weight for years.  In fact, I’ve been roughly the same weight, give or take 10 lbs since around the time I was diagnosed with diabetes.  Considering that I was still dealing with the fact that I hadn’t grown an inch taller since middle school and I still dealing with puberty and high school and the “freshman 15”, I actually felt proud that I haven’t been larger…

So, here I am at 194 and I’m freaking out.  I knew going in that I might touch that 200 lb mark.  I know that I more or less need to gain some because my baby needs me to, and I know that some of this weight is just extra fluid volume, but it’s hard to rationalize that when the numbers are staring me in the face.  Numbers are FACT and my numbers are FAT.

I’ve been hanging out in the mid 190s since February.  That’s not bad.  Most of my weight gain was right at the beginning and Dr. Endocrinologist said that it might have the insulin, and aside from that, I went from being on my feet 20 hours a week at one of two jobs, to just working one, on my butt.

But those snippets are of little comfort.  I’m struggling to feel comfortable in my larger body.  My waist is getting more obviously rotund with baby, and it’s no comfort.  I haven’t gained any significant amount of weight since February, but in the last 6 weeks, the number of blouses in my everyday wardrobe has slowly shrunk.  Not only has my weight changed, my proportions continue to change, too.

So I’ve been trying to use the HypnoBabies Joyful Pregnany Affirmations to keep me on the positive track, but its HARD.  Everyday I deal with this inner monologue telling me that it’s okay… but it’s hard to let go of this body consciousness.  I even did some web searching to try to find some positive vibes, but there’s not a whole lot.

Damn I just want some chocolate.  I just want to throw in the towel and stop eating and stop taking my insulin and just curl up in a ball on the bed… but to give in now would be more selfish than ever, right?  I have to think of my little one.

I have to remember that she will know my love and I will know hers.  I have to remember that people around me who say, “look at how big you are!” don’t say it out of malice.   I have to remember that I’m not getting enough sleep and that affects my mood, so I need to rest more and eat even better and it will lead me to feeling emotionally better and when I’m in a better emotional state, I’m in a better place to love myself…

*sigh*

“…Again, I love my pregnant body and accept it everyday…”

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