I Got a Phone Call

8 Oct

…and of course my phone was on silent and the car radio was jacked up loud. BOO! Anyway, after that nerve wrecking game of phone tag, I have been told that my hCG levels have increased, but “not at the level she wants them to.” So I go in again on Monday for more blood testing and my sono has been pushed up to the following Friday. Ugh. I’m going to cancel the WIC appointment until I hear a heartbeat on the sono screen. I couldn’t live with myself. (Nevermind, the WIC clinic is already closed for the day.) So yes, I get to live with this fear that I’m not “really pregnant” until next week. Fuck.

Positive reinforcements:

  • I gave blood for the 2nd hCG test less than a full 48 hours after the first test, at a different time of day.  Both of those factors might have an effect: hormones can fluctuate in your blood system at different times of day and from what I’m reading online most professionals recommend testing between 48 and 72 to see the levels of hCG double.
  • I have already suffered a loss.  Since then I have become more knowledgeable about the general physiological process of pregnancy and childbirth – I can use my knowledge to confront my fears.  My learning has also shown me that I am not alone and that there are many people in my community that I can turn to.  Besides, I’m not about to have a surgery like I was when I suffered my last loss.
  • I am a strong woman and that no matter the outcome, this is just part of the tapestry of my life.  I can mourn, but I can also learn to take that pain and make myself more because of it.
  • God is great and I am small; he decides what will be.

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