I Wish My Doctor Was Dr. Huxtable

6 Oct

I panicked a bit yesterday.

I woke up when my alarm went off.  I climbed out of bed and had this horrible cramp.  Then I hobble to the bathroom and see two little red spidery spots on the paper.  And OMG, my boobs didn’t hurt like they had been and I wasn’t instantaneously nauseous and I immediately freaked.   I was sure that I was about to lose the baby and I wasn’t emotionally ready…

So I called my mom.  And she told me to call my old gyno, whose bedside manner and office staff I am not fond of for a multitude of reasons.   So I call and actually get a same-day appointment and then I just went to sleep for several hours.

The waiting room wasn’t bad but the anxiety of waiting for them to confirm my insurance and to actually see my doctor was HORRENDOUS!  There were these odd leaflets on a sidetable with “Yearbook Yourself”-style photos of a particular doctor on the front and clinic info on the back… maybe to remind you what your gyno’s face looked like so that when you ran into them at Wal-mart, you wouldn’t have to do that awkward “where do I know you from” dance which would only get more awkward when you realize that they are in fact your gyno and see your hoohah yearly.

This photo of family man and OB/GYN Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable was cribbed from the NYDailyNews.com photo slideshow "It's a Cosby Sweater! A COSBY SWEATER!" found at http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/galleries/its_a_cosby_sweater_a_cosby_sweater/its_a_cosby_sweater_a_cosby_sweater.html

Lack of extra-close-up and grey background saves this from being another creepy "Yearbook Yourself" portrait.

During the appointment, she basically told me that I had to take care of the other non-baby aspects of my health (okay, I get it…) and then performed my belated annual because they already had to do the internal exam part.  Ugh, I hate when doctors do the, “I’m-going-to-basically-molest-you-in-the-name-of-your-health-but-instead-of-explaining-why-or-how-I’m-going-to-make-the-same-small-talk-I-always-do-in-a-lame-attempt-to-distract-you” routine.  I HATE IT!!! I know that they are the ones with years of training and experience under their belt, but that routine always makes me feel less than adequate as the owner of my own body. The internal exam is always really, super, anxiety-ridden for me.  I always need at least a moment to get comfortable and she was so dismissive.  I know she wanted to get it done and she didn’t want to spend any longer making me uncomfortable with her speculum and fingers(!!!!) up  my privates, but seriously, giving me a second to readjust my gown so I could feel covered and to take a deep breath wasn’t going to affect her job.  And then, after seeing me in discomfort, she sent me down the hall with a tech without introduction when I get a surprise transvaginal ultrasound.  I knew they existed but she totally didn’t tell me that they were going to that kind of ultrasound.

I have always imagined that Dr. Huxtable respected his clients and thus he was respected by his clients.  The fictional father/role model, also had a small ob/gyn practice.  I imagine he’d use tactful humor to explain his procedures and then visit with his clients in a plush office away from the exam room.  I can’t imagine the guy who can do that crazy grimmace and who wants me to buy Jell-o brand pudding wouldn’t do anything he could to put his clients at ease.  But sadly, it is over 20 years later and pressures from the O.B. group and insurance companies means that the doctors are under pressure to see as many patients as they can in before they go home for the day.  Oh, to have been a private pay client in New York in the late 1980s…

In the end, Dr. Diablita never said, “yes m’am, you are pregnant.”  Since I’m only estimated at 5 weeks, the sono only showed a little bubble and the size of my uterus was of no significance.  I guess it’d be too much to get my hopes up.  I am going in tomorrow to have blood drawn again to confirm the doubling of my hCG…

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